*The following piece is a satire.

Picture this: You’re a freshman at your dream university (Harvard, Yale, or even Princeton), sitting in Calculus 102 with the next three years of your college life planned out to the last detail. Sounds amazing, right?

Well, if you follow these five tips about how to ace your college interview, you’ll have a spot at your reach-school before you can say ‘graduate.’

Tip #1:
Make sure to ALWAYS show up at least ten minutes late. This will make your interviewer think that you were busy volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club or completing your AP Physics homework.

Generally, universities offer “alumni interviews,” hosted by former students of the school. These guys have real jobs and real things to accomplish, so making them wait for you as long as possible will definitely spark their interest and perhaps they’ll even put in a good word for you to college admissions officers!

Tip #2:
Instead of telling your interviewer what you have accomplished, tell them what you have yet to accomplish.

For example, when they ask you, “Why do you think you are a good candidate for our university?” you should respond with activities that you don’t like or haven’t done like…. By this I don’t mean lying, but I mean showcasing that you plan on being a leader, or joining clubs, or volunteering at an Animal Rescue Shelter in the near future.

Here’s a helpful a template:
“I believe that I am a wonderful candidate for your university, Harvard, because I have yet to become a treasurer of the Stock Market Club.”

That’ll get you right in.

Tip #3:
One of the most important tips is number three, so read closely. Once your interview is well underway and your interviewer is asking questions, take out your favorite snack— maybe it’s a meatball sub from Subway or a chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A.

Make sure you offer them a bite, though, because you don’t want to come across as rude. Your interviewer will be so impressed with your aptitude for snacking and gracious manner, he might just give you a scholarship on the spot.

Tip #4:
After you arrive at your interview location, say a nice cafe, and you’re ready to introduce yourself, show them your most recent Spotify playlist. This way, your Harvard interviewer will think that you have an eclectic knowledge of music. Don’t even ask him how their day is going, just start streaming some of your favorite jams. If you guys end up having the same music taste, it’ll create a strong bond between you and the interviewer.

Tip #5:
So now that you’ve arrived late, ate a little snack and bonded with your interviewer through your shared love for Drake, you should top your interview off by leaving mid-interview, without warning.

Your interviewer will never see it coming. He’ll be so surprised that he’ll view it as you taking initiative and having a spontaneous, unique personality. In all honesty, he’ll most likely think that you’re going home to finish your AP Lit essay on MacBeth.

So, at your next interview, don’t be shy to put these quick top secret tips into action because they are highly effective and will get you into that Ivy you’ve always wanted to attend.